So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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