Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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