dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
