if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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