my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
