i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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