I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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