nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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