I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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