I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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