youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
