I want to stick my p in your. b.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
pray to the hookup gods
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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