I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
