i wish starbucks made bloody marys
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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