I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
