i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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