This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
