I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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