She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
