Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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