Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
