What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
