just tell him i said nine months
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
