OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I need to stop coming to work sober
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
