Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize