I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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