if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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