so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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