i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Randomize
