He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
