I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
