I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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