I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
