you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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