At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
