i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
