My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
