Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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