naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
