someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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