I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
