around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
