Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
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And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
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you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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