Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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