phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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