I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Do vagina's smell?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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