I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
