i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
