The answer is no. Its an illegal search n seizure!
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
