I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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