I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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