Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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