I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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